she has this godawful period, the kind that seems to suck her guts out. she hasn't gotten around to a obgyn exam yet because something is always up. a larger problem with both of us to not be on top of our health issues. but thats a different rant i think. in any case, the times that she is sick - menstrual pain, stomach ache, back ache, fever, whatever... i am never good enough! i don't care enough, feel sympathy enough, or am nice or kind enough.

it is in bad taste to blog about something close to you i think but then perhaps sending it out in the virtual void is the only way to go here so i can breathe. i hate feeling this way, and i hate that we are doing this to each other. everyday.
let me tell you my story from this morning - i'll put it in bullet points so that it makes sense inside my head
1. she is studying for the ny bar exam - it's a big deal
2. she has already attended the shiniest / bestest / awesomest course to prepare for the exam
3. she attended it last year - so she's a bit rusty but not that much
4. i figured i'd get a trained / shiny / barbri tutor who is now a lawyer type dude to help her clean it all up just before her exam - you know, help her, advice her, give her pointers that kind of shit
5. i looked everywhere and i found this really nice ivy league good with foreign trained lawyer kind of tutor - not too expensive either
6. i wrote to him - three times in all and he wrote to me - three times in all too
7. i forwarded the emails (3 from him 2 from me) to her - she decided it was my maternal instinct kicking in - not pleasantly
8. on gtalk - at work - we embarked on a 6 hour he said she said - only in this case you said i said situation
9. i insisted that i was merely trying to help and she could by all means say no thank you to the dude
10. she insisted that i was somehow overstepping my acceptable boundaries of relationship duties and ought not to represent myself wrongly to some strange dude - who's opinion seemed to matter to her a whole lot more than my peace of mind... orrr.. her work!
after few jabs at my previously failed relationships / my mollycoddle instincts as well as my inability to understand her fundamental opinion - i have come to one logical conclusion
DO NOT HELP
do you get this?
please don't try to help. it backfires. always. obviously all this extra time on your hands should be spent in exercising.
or finding yourself the next big money making scheme.
or diet pill.
but not in trying to think about the people you love because they don't like it.
no one actually wants you to find happiness like the bible - you know where helping someone makes you happy. you are wrong in assuming the world likes you to help. so wrong.